"One should not live and think like people asleep"

For the last two days I gave in to my impulses.  I went after any attention I desired.  I said exactly what I was thinking when I wanted to.  I didn't sugar coat things or just "let things go."  I didn't suppress what I was actually feeling around people.

I had a lot of fun.  I got what I wanted.  Maybe I came across as a bitch to people who don't know me well enough to know that this person was always lurking under the surface.  Maybe people saw something in me that they never bothered to see before.  Maybe I am not the person I seem to be. 

And maybe I was a bitch (although only one person seems to think that), but honestly, in the last two days I have been happier than I have been all semester.

Not that the person who actually cares can read this, but here is my explanation:

If your main goal is to try and drown out singers, that IMPLIES that you do not respect those singers or their abilities.
Therefore, it is IMPLIED that you do not respect the musicianship of vocalists.  Just because you can be louder than them using a device which uses your breath to amplify sound, that does not mean that you are better than them.

I will defend the musicianship and talent of good vocalists until I can no longer speak because I have been dealing with instrumentalist snobbery all of my life.  Not only do singers read music, understand theories and fundamentals, and use only their body to create sound, but many, if not most of them also play some sort of instrument.  So respect what we do.  I dare you to try it.

I'm home!!!!!! Yay!  I'm so happy to be back at Alfred, finally.  My apartment is small, but it's not too bad.  We have a big kitchen and a bath tub, which is all I really care about.  My room is all settled and decorated and lovely.  There is food in the kitchen that I can cook.  And knives, lots of pretty knives.  It feels lived in already, which is nice.

Classes start tomorrow. Kind of looking forward to that, kind of not.  I can't decide.  Luckily, my classes prevent me from being able to try out for American Doll which is good since I don't actually want to be in that show.  I'm glad to be seeing everyone again.  Yay for good friends!!! 

I'm missing the boy like crazy.  And I'm kind of wishing that things would stop being so cryptic with him and that I could just understand what is going on.  But I guess it will just work itself out in its own time.  I'll be off in his direction in a couple weeks, at least, so I can keep looking forward to that.

That's all for now I suppose.  I'm rather hungry.  Maybe I will eat some fruit snacks, or make people go to Ade with me.  Eh, later is the "death by chocolate" party at the honors house.  Yay! 

Oh, and everyone, you should listen to A Fine Frenzy.  Gorgeous.

It is so bloody hot.  I didn't know that Western Washington was capable of this kind of heat.  It is 101 outside.  Dear god.  Luckily there is a little bit of wind so that I am not dying.  I think my lips are sunburned.

In other news, my car is now clean.  mostly.  as I could not actually find the car washing stuff, I improvised and used what I could find.  So it is not perfect, but it is better.  Also, I've decided that I really like dentist visits when they just give you a cleaning and tell you that you are doing a good job taking care of your teeth.

Also, Potter-heads are a little bit crazy and should either be medicated, or not allowed to congregate in large groups late at night.  Regardless, midnight showing of the movie was really fun.  The acting/directing sucked as usual, but it was kind of hilarious to mock on the way home at 3 AM.

Stupid quote of the day:
"Some men, oddly enough, aren't willing to curb their instinctive promiscuity and embrace monogamy in order to get a girl. They're known as gay men." --Ann Coulter
*because no gay men have ever had long term monogomous relationships.  ever.*
Thank God I finished that book.

Take My Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com Can you Ace my quiz? Yes! No Let's Find Out!

Today was calming.  I set out walking in the direction I always go when I walk alone.  Down the road to the trail that leads behind LC; towards the cottage, the creek, the park and beyond.  I walked down to my favorite spot in the whole town.  The place where I go to nestle into the roots of the big oak tree, to watch the water flow by, to cry and think until the world begins to make sense again.  I didn't linger, I just needed to see it again; I've missed having that place.  I walked on, past the golf course, over to Bender Fields where I played fast pitch, had picnics in the fort and kissed on the swings.  I saw the foot hills rising in the distance, misty behind the clouds.  On a clear day you can see up to Whistler in Canada and the full peaks of Mt. Baker; but today was not clear and I missed the view.  Still I continued on, down Aaron and Vinup where I passed my elementary school and my high school.  So much of my past took place in those hallways, but those are just memories now that I am eager to leave behind me.  It started to rain, first a slow sprinkle, then developing into the steady drizzle so stereotypical of western Washington.  How many times have I walked down these streets in the rain?  Too many to count I suppose.  But the rain was no deterrent and I kept on moving forward, past the train tracks, the octagonal house, and Eastside Market (home of the $.60 burrito and Green River Soda).  Still further past my road, the churches and down to the light at 1st St where I turned at the newly built coffee stand.  I remember the road more clearly at night; the street that heads towards the middle school, the Versacold building, the abandoned building that used to house LC.  And straight ahead lay the City Park.  I always loved the park with it's towering forest of pine cone laden trees, it's antique playground, the stream, the hidden ruins of an old fireplace.  But I was shocked to find many of the trees cut down, reduced to a pile of sawdust, and the fireplace no longer hidden behind buttercups and baby firs.  It broke my heart to see what people had done to my summer hideout.  So I continued on back to the main road, past the front of LC, the YMCA, the apartments and back to my house.  I was soaked and my hands were numb, but I had the pictures and the memories that I needed.

This place was my home for 8 years, longer than anywhere else I have ever lived.  But now I am ready to let it go.  I love my circle that I walk, the hour and a half of thinking time that it gives me, but I am ready to move on to new circles, new sights and new memories.  The people will continue to bring me back, but the town is no longer my home.  Funny how for about 7 of those 8 years I never really felt at home here anyway.  I never was a lifer, I new that all along.  I was always waiting for bigger better things that I could only find elsewhere.  And now's the time to find those things.

I got this email, a forward from my mom and my aunt.  Good advice about getting older and living your life.  I share some of this advice with you:

1. Throw out nonessential numbers.  This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them.  That is why you pay "them "

2.  Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.  

3. Keep  learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.  Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.  

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us  our entire life is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.  

7.  Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,  keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.  

8.  Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable;improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.  

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the  next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.  

10.  Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.  

AND  ALWAYS REMEMBER:  
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the  moments that take our breath away.

This was the most fucked up mini-road trip ever.  Seriously.  I left B'ham at 12:30 and headed south to Seattle and beyond to Orting.  Traffic was nice and easy all the way through the parts that are usually hellish (aka Everett and Seattle), but then all of the sudden I hit Bellvue and things came to a screeching halt.  From there all the way until Sumner on WA-167 was completely stop and go traffic.  I don't think I ever got above 15 mph.  And it was so gridlocked that I couldn't change lanes for my exit and had to try and make the next one.  But then I found out that there were 3 accidents on the road in different places and all traffic was being rerouted.  So I ended up in some sketchy part of Puyallup on a road that I followed until I finally got to a place that I recognized.  By this time, I had been driving for 5 hours on a trip that should have taken 2 1/2.  Finally, I'm climbing the hill outside of Bonney Lake, and what happens?  That's right, my clutch goes out.  No clutch on a stick means no moving.  So I pull over to the side of the road.  I'm about 10 miles from where I would actually like to be.  Shit.  It's pouring down rain and I'm stuck on the side of the highway at rush hour in the dark by myself.  I call my dad and he tells me to just get Jen to pick me up and to leave the car there for him to pick up the next day.  So I do, but it takes a while for her to get there, so I am sitting on the side of the road for an hour.  It was scary as hell.  

So I'm finally safe in the car with Jen and her boyfriend (who is the sweetest guy in the world) and heading back to her house where I was already planning to stay the night.  We start talking about all the people that I used to know from when I went to Orting schools and what they are up to now.  Naturally this gets us into all of her past boyfriends (and there are so many that she doesn't even remember them all); poor Darryl.  We went out to Mexican food with her family (yay for mexican food!  I missed it so.) and then returned to her house to look through old year books at all of our old classmates.  Then came Disney SceneIt.  I love that game now.  I am slightly bitter that I lost to her little sister (a little sister that I have known since she was 4 and now she is 16 and has a boyfriend that was in my 4th grade class), but I came in second so it's not too bad.  After Darryl left we watched Cars and fell asleep on the couches.

This morning was pretty uneventful.  We went to lunch with our other musketeer Angela at Olive Garden.  Fake italian food that has cheap lunch specials and tastes good.  Anyway, our waitress was deaf, but she could talk a little bit in that faltering way that some deaf people can and she could read lips, so there weren't any problems.  At the end of the meal, we are waiting for our checks and the waitress comes and tells us it's been taken care of.  Some lady that was sitting at the table next to us saw that we were being "polite, patient and lovely young ladies" and decided to pay for our meal.  That is so random, but kind of cool.  That's never happened to me before.  We ended up wandering around the mall while we waited for my parents to get down to tow my car home.  Eventually they called and asked me to pick up some duct tape on my way to meet them.  So we go into the tiny hardware store in Orting and there is a guy that I used to go to school with working there, Jake Hughs.  We had been talking about him the night before (he was they guy that I had a crush in on 4th grade and who Jen dated in 11th grade).  Somehow he recognized me even though I haven't seen him in about 8 years.  It was strange.  

Anyway, mexican food was eaten again and there was only on scary bit on the freeway when we had to stop and readjust my car on the tow-dolly, but we made it home alive.  And, another good thing about this trip, in an effort to have music to listen to, I found my Ben Jelen cd and rediscovered how much I love his music.  He is this amazing singer songwriter who plays pretty much every instrument in every song on the album.  I've listened to that cd 3 times in the last 2 days....ah...sing along time:

All of my answers and all my reasons
And all my excuses they never asked
Cause all of my answers they keep on changing
I spend my life waiting for the next?

No, I just keep on moving
No, I just keep on pushing forward
No, I forgot what I was looking for

And all their illusions, I won't believe them
I'll always believe what I can't forget
Cause all of their reasons, they keep on changing
I spend my life waiting for the next?

No, I just keep on moving
No, I just keep on pushing forward
No, I forgot what I was looking for

I'd trade wisdom back in for innocence
To get away from all my lies
I'd trade wisdom back in for innocence
To get away from getting by
I'd trade wisdom back in for innocence
Just for one look through those eyes

I'm just glad to be home.  And when I arrived home there was this lovely little package from Kristen!  Yay!  Just one more week and I'll be home at Alfred, well, sort of, briefly.  I just have to knit and sing and not drive anymore until then.

 

Everything is open
Nothing is set in stone
Rivers turn to oceans
Oceans tide you home
Home is where the heart is
But your heart had to roam
Drifting over bridges
Never to return
Watching bridges burn

You're driftwood floating underwater
Breaking into pieces, pieces, pieces
Just driftwood, hollow and of no use
Waterfalls will find you, bind you, grind you

Nobody is an island
Everyone had to go
Pillars turn to butter
Butterflying low
Low is where your heart is
But your heart has to grow
Drifting under bridges
Never with the flow

And you really didn't think it would happen
But it really is the end of the line
So I'm sorry that you've turned to driftwood
But you've been drifting for a long, long time

Everywhere there's trouble
Nowhere's safe to go
Pushes turn to shovels
Shovelling the snow
Frozen you have chosen
The path you wish to go
Drifting now forever
And forever more
Until you reach your shore

You're driftwood floating underwater
Breaking into pieces, pieces, pieces
Just driftwood, hollow and of no use
Waterfalls will find you, bind you, grind you
And you, really didn't think it would happen
But it really is the end of the line
So I'm sorry that you've turned to driftwood
But you've been drifting for a long, long time
You've been drifting, for a long, long
Drifting for a long, long time 

I don't want to be driftwood anymore.  I'm not sure if the "go with the flow" plan I've been following is the best one anymore.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty about the things I have done this past year, but I can't help it.  I don't regret, that's not fair.  But I am re-taking over, choosing my own path, my own destiny.  I am going to do everything in my power this year to make sure that I am happy, and that the people around me are happy.  Not one or the other.  Both.  This is the goal.

So pretty much my body hates me. For no reason. Fine then, Body, I hate you too! It's war now, and I will win because I am smarter. Grrr.

Oh my gosh, what a crazy day. So I wake up, do my usual routine, toast, computer, pilates, shower, etc...then I decide that I should have a little friendly get together tonight so I call my friends and everything is all wonderful and happy. I head over to pick up Kat to finish up some Christmas shopping, spend 1/2 hour in her basement playing with her kitty (named Vagina?) while she does some "secret" project involving emailing pictures to Walgreen's so we can pick up the prints later. Then we head to the Mall. Bad idea. So many crazy people and all I wanted was to go to Target and buy a cd. Of course, they didn't have the cd I wanted, so I improvised and bought something else instead of daring to enter the real hell that is the mall on the last friday before Christmas. So then trying to get out, there are even more crazy people in cars including a giant orange semi-truck that is blocking the intersection and some girl who is trying to go around it, and I can't get out and make my left turn and the people behind me start honking and I can't do anything. So finally I'm out and heading to Petsmart to buy kitty toys.

Then it is off to Walgreen's to pick up Kat's pictures. At this point it is about 3. We get there and the people say that they should be done in about an hour...so we head across the street to the Barnes & Noble where there is a Starbucks. An hour of coffee, poetry and lesbian erotica later, we head back to Walgreen's. Guess what? Pictures aren't done yet. They won't be done until 5:20. So we wander around the store, sample makeup, toys, canes, singing holiday things, and finally browse the magazine racks. After reading Beat, Cosmo and Maxim (?) we head back to the counter...20 more minutes...again, back to the magazines to play the "who would you rather fuck?" game. Finally, at 5:50 we are on our way home. We stop at Eastside to grab burritos and Green River, but there are no burritos and we are sad. We arrive back just in time to have half an hour to wrap presents, eat what we did buy, and study look at photos before my friends start arriving.

The little shin-dig was fun. Although a couple of good friends didn't come after all...oh well, who was I kidding, he never comes anyway. There was good music, Garden State, a giant thing of ice cream and "the wrong game." Yay for old friends having good times.

Jesus, what a day...I just need to relax with some crappy late night TV, my new Killers album, perhaps some more ice cream, and prepare for tomorrow.

Well, I still remember how to drive stick, so that is a good sign. The high school is the same, except that it has been overrun with new freshman. Bob is the same as ever, thank god. I miss that class. I walked in and what were they working on but my old friend Mock Trial. For four years I worked on the same types of things...even last year when I didn't compete, I coodinated the competetition. Ah, the memories. And the plaques on the wall...still crooked. And then came the hanging out. Kat and Noah are the same as they've always been (well, for the most part). They are violently similar and always fighting; like the little brother and sister that you love but secretly wish would calm down once and awhile. But there were crepes and truffles and cider just like old times. And hints of a photo shoot and a period of cuddling in the sex that is Kat's room. I missed that.

Today comes Christmas shopping with Kat...Oh the mall, that should be an experience. And later this week, coffee with Tucker...hmm. What's going on there? I'm not sure, but I hope it's good. Back to the normal routine I guess.

Get out of my head, Alfred...get out. As I was driving home from the airport, I imagined that it was next summer and that we were all on the road trip to bring me home from Greece that we talked about. I decidedthat route I would take you so that you would get the best view of my state. I imagined the music I'd be playing, the sights I would point out. But it was dark, and the people in the car were my parents, not you. I got home at 11 pm which really felt like 2 am, after spending 15 hours travelling in one day. I went to bed 1 1/2 hours later. My bed, which is mine, but didn't feel right. It was bigger than I remember, and the pillow was not my own. Then I awoke, like clockwork at 7, anxiously awaiting Kristen's alarm to go off. It never did. Then again I awoke at 8:30 expecting my own alarm to go off and get me moving towards stats. It never did. Last night I had dreams about all of you. Strange ones that I probably shouldn't try to explain. You are all in my head. I'm barely home and I want you here with me.

So later today I am off to visit my old high school, my friends, teachers, and town. I wonder if that will be weird. I guess we'll find out. now I must go shower, in a bathroom where the door locks and I can prance around naked when I'm done. At least there is that. and my kitties.

You know every holiday season when all the network TV shows have that special holiday episode? In each of those shows there is always one character who is a) traveling and therefore away from family, b) has no family, or c) their family hates them. Either way, they are alone and sitting in some room eating and watching movies on TV. As I was walking back from picking up some dinner, I realized that I feel like I am that character in a show. I know I'm not. And I will be home soon enough. But for the record, I now know that traveling alone is not as glamorous as one would think. I've got a king size bed all to myself, gas station food calling my name (since I realized earlier that it is awkward as hell eating in restaurants alone), and a full day of airports full of strangers to look forward to. Wow, I am being a little over dramatic tonight, aren't I? Oh well. Back to crappy Lindsey Lohan movies.

I miss you all already, and nobody has even left yet. It seems so sudden that the semester has come to end. Wasn't it only yesterday that we all arrived here, scared of the months to come? And now we're scared of having to spend a month apart. Will we be the same when we return? Just how much have we come to depend on one another? I suppose we will find out. And it's not the end of the world, just the end of a phase in our lives; perhaps the beginning of a new phase. Am I the only one who feels so sad to be leaving? How can I be so excited to go home and so sad to leave at the same time? Maybe it is just because I will be so much farther away than the rest of you. I will not be able to drive up to visit, or even call without remembering that you will be three hours ahead. But I will call anyway. I will write and email and comment. Let me fret and shower you with attention because it will make me think that when we all return it will be just like we never left.....

Please, just let me go home now.

I look around me at this world in which I have placed myself and I realize that things are not always what they appear to be. People do not always say what they really think, myself included. Why, I ask? Fear? A sense of propriety? Perhaps both. But I think that fear is the main cause of this. But what are we so afraid of? Losing friends? Gaining more? Revealing our true, imperfect selves?

Reality check: Nobody is perfect. No relationship is perfect. And regrets are a waste of energy. I have to remind myself of this everyday in hopes that I will not succumb to the fear that makes me want to hide away in my room and never step outside, never say a word, never touch a face. And looking back on my life, I realize that I truly regret very little that I have done, but more regret the things that I was too scared to do.

And so now I am determined to actually live my life the way that I pretend to. When the time is right, I will actually tell people how I feel, what I think, what I care about, who I care about and why. I am not one to lie about myself to others. I've been there and I've done that and all it got me was prescription anti-depressants. I won't lie and pretend that I am still figuring out who I am. I know exactly who I am. The real question is, am I prepared to show the world? We'll find out.

The first step is to resolve the issues of the heart, for that is what leads me. People may never know, may never understand even if I try to explain just how much I love them. I truly give my whole self to the people in my life that I care about. I will drop anything I can in order to be there for a friend. And I fear that when I do fall in love I may lose myself entirely in that person. I have never met anybody who feels the same way as me. Who feels for others so much that it hurts sometimes. And this is really okay with me. It is part of what makes me who I am. But please understand that even though I will do anything for you, sometimes I need the reassurance that you would at least try to do the same for me. Perhaps it is time to give in to what my heart is telling me to do. Has been telling me for weeks, maybe even months. It feels right to me, but I can't be sure about you. I just don't know. What is your heart telling you? Maybe this new honesty I'm testing out will start there.

So darling, walk right through
That locked door across the room
And sweep the dust off the window
Into the ears of the bitter, awaiting walls
Tickle my eyes and cheek with that
Feather you found resting in the
Already fallen stacks of leaves
Meet me here this afternoon for
A whisper in the sunset, before
The colors fade away to empty.

So, it's Thanksgiving day. I am not at home. That sucks. But it is not so bad where I am. I have a room to myself, animals to play with, and this family really is trying to make me feel comfortable and included. Dinner will be wierd, but then again, it always is for the girl who doesn't eat turkey. So, I suppose the point of this entry is to say that I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving! Remember that each of you is in my thoughts and on my list of things that I am thankful for. Save room for dessert, and think of me and the poor defenseless turkey when you are eating it. Haha. Much Love!

Because I cannot think for myself and must be amused by other people's ideas....do this. because you love me.


Create your own friendquiz here

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
Im tired and i
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Dont try to wake me in the morning
cause I will be gone
Dont feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I dont want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I dont want to wake up
On my own anymore

Dont feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well ...

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...

so here I am again, stuck in another day of this seemingly unstructured, unexplainable thing called life. The monotony of the strict schedule I have grown accustomed to has been broken and so in this early afternoon I am lost. Parmendides and Xeno are calling my name back to them, but the pull of the keys is stronger, so here I am. Out the window lies the rolling hills, so reminiscent of home, yet so far away. The turning leaves and the unbroken grey sky remind me that I am not there. I want to be there. Yet, a moment from now I will be sure that this is exactly where I want to be. Here with its rolling hills but no mountains; with its stairs and catacombs of offices; with its people who have made me laugh but not cry; and its bagels. But right now, I wish for the comfort of my best friends' couch. Of that familiar feeling their hugs bring about; security and love. Perhaps I don't wish for that at all. Perhaps I just crave a distraction, as usual, from my own thoughts which weave this tangled web of confusion. For when too soon those distractions leave me, I am returned to this place. This whirlpool that constantly drags me back down until all I can do is collapse out of sheer exhaustion. and there are no life boats.